One of the wisest things that I have ever been told was from an UCA cheerleader at cheer leading camp at Ole Miss. The first evening at camp after a hard days work, the campers were all divided into small groups with one staff member to each group. Our group consisted of about 6 cheerleaders and the UCA staff member. We sat in a small circle listening to this young man talk to us...and I had no idea at the time that what he was saying would be the foundation of my thinking in life. He went through several tragedies that he and some loved ones had faced, then said when life comes at you with terrible things, you have to ALWAYS remember no matter what, "Things Could Always be Worse." He had us talk about what we thought could be the worse thing ever, and he could always come up with something that would top that.
There hasn't been many of my treatments or test that have been too difficult, but when times were hard, I would think about how lucky I was to to not have things worse. One of the most difficult things I've had done is my lung biopsy. It was very painful, even with sedatives and I had to remain still. The entire time, I would think about all the kids at St. Jude's that have to endure things like this, and how well they deal. Suddenly, my pain would decrease. There is nothing that you can go through in life that couldn't be worse.
God tells us that he won't give us more than we can handle.
Though sometimes in my prayers, I want to tell God that I'm at the end of the rope, and I can't handle any more, but he's my creator and knows me best. All I can say, is I must be one tough lady, because things haven't been letting up lately.
My stress levels have been at the highest peak ever! I know that this is not good for my health, and I try to handle things better, but I have had a rough year. Last year during my busiest time of year at work, I took the money that I made and started a greeting card business. The cards are adorable and are in many stores in the Southeast Missouri area. The mistakes I made were #1. I didn't and don't have time to run two businesses, take treatments, be a mother and a wife. There isn't enough of my time for all of that. #2. I put 3 months worth of earnings and then some into this business and now I'm trying to get caught up. That busy time of year is right around the corner, and I'm praying for the busiest Easter Season at the studio ever. I'm ready to get back on track. I can not deal with this stress much longer!! It's consuming me physically and mentally. So having said all that, I need your prayers in two areas. The first...please pray that I can get things back to order at work and that my customers continue to call. Often when anything circulates about my health, our phones will stop ringing. I plan on working full time, so please let others know that I AM still working.
The other thing I need your prayers about is somewhat of an irony. I haven't been feeling that well for a while now. Mostly tired, sleepy and get out of breath with a fast heart rate just from walking up my stairs. I've been having to leave the studio nearly everyday, to go lay down for a few hours, then I return back to work. I just feel the need to sleep all the time. The energy is gone. I realize that stress can do this, I I've never been at this level of stress before, but I knew this was more than stress. So the first thing I had my doctor order is a tumor marker blood test. This can give you a ballpark idea as to if your tumors and the same, growing, or decreasing. Mine are high again. They haven't been high in over 2 years, but they are back at an all time high. I return to Houston on the 21 of this month, and I've been diligent in taking my chemo pills, so I hope that I'm better when I have that lab drawn there.
The other thing is that I had some labs ran over the weekend. They were sent off and the results came back today. I am being taken of Avastin for 2 weeks, at which time I will redo the test to see if I'm better, if not, I'll wait another two weeks. One of the dangerous side effects of Avastin is the loss of protein in the urine. I had a 24 hour urine test, and my doctor told me that the reason I am feeling so tired was due to the fact that I'm loosing a full weeks worth of protein in a 24 hour period. As a result of that, my body is trying to compensate by retaining fluids in my legs. We caught my problem early, however, Dr. Sides said that this is one of the dangerous side effects of Avastin that the FDA talks about that can lead to death..
So, now, I'm worried about what's going to come next. I don't want to progressively get worse. He told me that when I get to feeling real tired, to lay down and rest. I have to listen to my body and respond to the signals.
OK...So I know you all must be thinking, Oh no, where does she stand now with the Avastin issue. Well, I'm going to tell you. If my conditions causes me to never be able to take Avastin again, I will still continue to fight for patients rights to be able to have the drug as a line of defense for late stage breast cancer. I strongly believe, that had I now been given this opportunity to take Avastin, I would either be already gone, or I would be living a miserable life. These last few years of my life have been some of the best ever. I'm so thankful to have had the moments of fun memories with my family and friends.
Also,as I've been saying all along, this should remain in the hands of the doctor and patient. I knew I had new symptoms that were not normal. I called the oncology nurses, they had me come in and ran a CBC. It came back normal, so the Doctor wanted to talk to me. He asked me a million questions, as if I were in an episode on "House." It was obvious that he was not going to stop until he had a reason for the way I was feeling. That day I was quite impressed. He got to the bottom of this and my life isn't at risk of death over the new side effect because of our relationship and our ability to communicate with one another to know what part of the puzzle we need.
Houston will be a nerve racking time waiting for results of blood work and scans. I'm not ready to have to change treatments. I love Avastin. I'm hoping in two weeks I'll be better and everything will get back on track. If my cancer has spread, I am sure that I will have to start a new treatment. Prayerfully, It will all be good news..
I'm not the first and won't be the last person dealing with a lot on their plate. I wish it could all just go away and stop haunting me. It haunts me while I'm awake, and when I'm asleep. Either I can't sleep from the stress, or I have bad dreams from the stress.
You all always ask me what you can do for me to help. I have two things for you to do. 1. PRAY pray for my strength and my families strength to be able to handle anything that my come our way. Pray that I can continue taking Avastin. Pray that my customers are aware that I am still working. I get more stressed when things are slow at work, so please pass the word, that I am working. When I don't have customers I can't fulfill my responsibilities to our family and that itself breaks my heart.
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read my blog.
Don't forget to read the article I posted about an hour before posting this.
As soon as I know any changes or decisions with the FDA and Genentech, I will let you know.
Thanks! God Bless
