Bad Dream!!

Sleep is out of the question right now.  Every moment I have, I feel as though I must continue this effort.  I was up all night and day creating this blog.  I finally walked away from my phone and computer around 1:30 PM so that I could get in the shower and get Rebecca to her best friends birthday party.  It was fun watching Rebecca and her friends playing WI dance games, not a care in the world...fun, laughter, great friends, music, dancing, and cake!  Life is GOOD!!  In those moments I forgot about the burden I carry knowing that I have a mission that is far greater than anything I've ever attempted.  Once the guest left, I felt a tension headache creeping up (probably from lack of sleep) and I took some Tylenol and layed down in Tina's guest room while Rebecca and Ali continued laughing and being 11 and 12 year olds.  I drifted off to sleep for about an hour, then woke up to this "Bad Dream" that haunts me as I'm awake.  I went to the computer to see what was in the news today on this Avastin tragedy, and the first article that I pulled up made my skin crawl and stomach turn as I read about other women just like me that have been on this drug as long as I have and they too have had incredible results.  I posted this article for you to read.  Please, if you have the time, read the article.  I am trying hard to only present the facts and to keep myself calm about how crazy this is making me, but as I read this article I thought to myself, maybe I'm not fighting hard enough.  These people put it out there on the line, holding nothing back.  This IS serious, not just me over reacting.  I have to do more.  I need to be heard.  When I learned of this news on Dec. 16th, my initial reaction was that I was going to saddle up my horse and ride to Washington.  Why?  Because by doing this, I would be able to draw a lot of attention to my cause and possibly stir up media attention nation wide.  My rebellious side thought, well I'll just show them what a stage 4 cancer patient on Avastin looks like.  I would like the world to see that I AM LIVING with cancer, not dying...and LIVING is what I do!!  I enjoy my life. My family and I travel to rodeos with my daughter, camp out with our horses on weekends, and ride rough rugged trails all day then sit under the stars in front of a camp fire at night.  I am ALIVE...I am LIVING!!!  Who has the right to take this from me?!?!  I need to find another approach to be heard.  I am one of thousands out there.  I wish I new how to reach all of the women out there like me so we could unite as a force and take our battle to a new level. 
I realize that it is difficult to grasp all of this when you aren't actually living it.  Even some of my own family members aren't understanding the dimensions of harm this decision has weighing on me and others.  My best friend ever has that special ability to actually feel the pain of others.  I've always hated this for her because it seems like she takes on more than she deserves.  I've often wondered if this is a curse or a blessing to her, but she truly feels others pain.  At the same time, she also feels the happy times too.  What a precious person and how blessed I am to have her.  I said all of this to say that I understand that it is hard to feel what another person is going through.  The life styles that we lead are so fast paced and self indulged that it sometimes causes us to build up a barrier around ourselves and ignore the bad things going on around us.  I'm guilty of the same.  I rarely watch the news because it's all bad.  But suddenly I see that behind every bad story is a person in pain, and who am I to turn away from this just because I don't want to hear bad news.  At the very least I could send up prayers on behalf of those hurting.  I see the world in a different light now, I can't turn away any longer.  I hope that I can become more like my best friend because I am learning that she has the most precious soul ever and she has the ability to make a difference in others lives. 

Thanks for reading!!  PLEASE, pass this blog on to everyone you know.  If it could land in the right hand, then maybe my life could make a difference in so many others.

Until tomorrow, GOD BLESS!