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This blog really isn't designed to be about ME, however I am willing to share my life with you so that you can gain knowledge about living with cancer, the importance of continued research in cancer fighting drugs, and how the FDA's decisions on releasing or pulling a drug from cancer patients can greatly impact many lives. While my cancer is advanced breast cancer, I am fighting for all cancers, and actually life in general. My life has been directly affected by many other cancers as family members, friends and chemo buddies have died from various cancers. Each one of these people have shaped my life and I am fighting to honor their fight, and to continue fighting for all of us touched by this horible disease in some way. Most of all, I'm fighting for the right of my 11 year old daughter to continue having a healthy mother, and for my Husband and Mother to keep them from the pain and torment that comes from seeing a loved one die from cancer. The FIGHT IS ON!! Please join me!!!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

"It's My Fault Julie!"

Sunday, March 27, 5:30 pm.  This is the first time in over a month that Dewey and I were alone.  Someone has always been with us since that first day that I went into the hospital.  It was nice having time to ourselves.  We talked and talked about what had just happened and couldn't stop talking about the whole ordeal  This is unusual, because Dewey simply won't talk about anything that has to do with my health or his work.  His way of dealing with my health is to move forward and act as if there is nothing wrong and to talk about any bad reports or feeling bad is moving backwards in his mind.  I guess he thinks that if we don't talk about it, and pretend it doesn't exist, then life can continue as normal. 

So, I was happily surprised when he started telling me all about the month I lost while being sedated in the ICU.  He talked and talked and told me all sorts of things that he, my mom, family, and friends had to endure.  Wow!!! What a roller coaster ride for all of those waiting hour by hour to hear more news on a diagnosis.  Dewey told me that I was diagnosed with everything under the sun.  It was to the point that Dewey himself was researching various pneumonia and he would ask the doctors, "Have you checked this, or that pneumonia?   I'm sure he probably wasn't even close to pronouncing the word correctly, but he had done the research on what it was, how it is contracted and what the diagnosis is.  The doctors assured Dewey that they had checked these diseases and I was negative for all of them.

At one point, three of the doctors gave my family no hope, while two gave them hope.  Who and what to believe became difficult for all of them.  So I ask Dewey, "How on earth did you know who to follow?  and who did you believe"?  I'll NEVER forget Dewey looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Well, Julie,  I followed the Lord!  I believed in him"!  My heart sunk as he said those words.  I was so proud of his faith in God, and that during this most difficult moment of his entire life, he turned and trusted God and didn't give the doctors a second thought.  Wow!  What faith!  We should all follow the Lord.  He really is the only one that completely heals.  His powers are greater than anything or any force that we have here on earth, and he is always on our side and ready to fight for us.  That is the most amazing medicine of all!!

Then Dewey looked up and straight into my eyes with a little smirk in his voice and he said, "Oh, by the way, it't my fault Julie".  "What do you mean it's YOUR fault, what's your fault?", I responded.  "It's my fault that you had pneumonia, and a bad case of pneumonia.  It's all my fault!", he said.  "How could this be your fault?"  I didn't understand.  With a strong, yet fragile voice, Dewey said, "After the doctors said that your lungs were full of cancer, and they basically gave us no hope at all, I went to the chapel to pray all day long".  He said, "I've never prayed so hard and so much for something in all my life!  I prayed that you didn't have cancer, that you just had pneumonia, a really, really bad case of pneumonia."  I just looked at him with a strange look on my face.  Then he said in a fun, childlike voice, "Yep, Julie,  It's all my fault that you had pneumonia, sorry about that, but you get what you pray for, and that's what I prayed for, so it's my fault".

I don't know that I will ever hear or see cuter words and expressions come from my husbands mouth than when he shared that story with me.  I had no idea the trama that they were having to deal with while waiting to learn what was wrong with me and hoping that I get better soon.  I am so thankful that Dewey is sharring his side of the story with me.  It is important for me to hear these stories from as many people as possible that were sharing this moment of change in our life.  Some of the stories that have been shared with me by Dewey, Mom, and friends make full sense to me, and I'm able to explain to them why I would move my arm certain ways, and once I woke up why I said some of the things I said.  Most every motion made and word spoken had a purpose and wasn't involuntary. 

But to you Dewey, thank you for the many prayers for me to have bad pnewmnia...I'll take that anyday over cancer.  Had the doctors told you that standing over my bed where I could have heard them, I probably would have KICKED the fire out of them, because I even knew this wasn't cancer I was dealing with. 

Dewey said he no longer takes what Doctors say as a final diagnosis.  When Tina found out that the doctors had everyone upset over the cancer diagnosis, she pulled a nurse out into the hall and wanted to know why any doctor would tell a family that simply by looking at an xray.  She said, have the taken blood yet?  Tissue samples? Pet or Cat Scans with contrast?   All answers were NO.  I'm not sure if it was because of her persistence or not, but the doctors then ordered a biopsy of the lung tissue, and guess what?!?!?!   It came back negative.  One of the doctors came to Dewey and those waiting for me he said loudly, "The biopsy was negative.  There is NO cancer".  I haven't asked Dewey how he responded to that news, but if I were to bet on it, I would say he literally broke down to the ground and cried and cried while thanking God over and over.

I am so proud of Dewey.  This has been a difficult month and will continue to be difficult as things are never going to be normal as we knew normal, but we are looking forward to a new chapter in our lives, we just hope that the changes come softly and that we can transform without extra stress and with only good intentions.

So many of you were there with me or in the waiting room with family.  If you have stories to share with me, I would be so appreciative to you if you would write down your memories of what was taking place.  I don't know if this is normal or not, but I want to know what happened each day.  I slept for 3 weeks, and I'd like to know what I  missed.

Eventually I will share with you what was going on in "My World" while I was sedated for three weeks.  I have my own interesting stories to share with you.

Thanks for reading!
Please share my story with your friends.
Until Next Time,  GOD BLESS!

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