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This blog really isn't designed to be about ME, however I am willing to share my life with you so that you can gain knowledge about living with cancer, the importance of continued research in cancer fighting drugs, and how the FDA's decisions on releasing or pulling a drug from cancer patients can greatly impact many lives. While my cancer is advanced breast cancer, I am fighting for all cancers, and actually life in general. My life has been directly affected by many other cancers as family members, friends and chemo buddies have died from various cancers. Each one of these people have shaped my life and I am fighting to honor their fight, and to continue fighting for all of us touched by this horible disease in some way. Most of all, I'm fighting for the right of my 11 year old daughter to continue having a healthy mother, and for my Husband and Mother to keep them from the pain and torment that comes from seeing a loved one die from cancer. The FIGHT IS ON!! Please join me!!!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

No Words!!!

Some things that you want to express are far greater than the mind can grasp and there are no words that can explain the feelings.  This is one of those moments that I want to express my gratitude and love to everyone in my community and beyond, but it's a perfect circle, no beginning, no ending, just a forever continuation flow of compassion, kindness, love, and concern.

Dewey would stand by my head and talk to me. "Julie, YOU are So loved!  Wake up, I want to tell you about all of the people that have come to see you, and have called.  I love you so much and you are doing such a great job!  I'm so proud of you, you have so many here that want to see you, you wouldn't believe how many people are here for you.  Can you wake up for a little bit, come on Julie, you can do it, just open your eyes.  You are doing so good, I love you!" 

I remember several occasions where Dewey would be talking to me saying the kindest things and wanting me to respond to him.  At the time, I tried to open my eyes and respond, but the medication that I was given to keep me sedated was so strong, that even though I tried and tried to respond, I'm sure that Dewey and my Mom couldn't tell that I could even hear them.

The doctors had me in an induced coma so that my body would be able to focus on healing.  Dewey said he looked forward to seeing the "white medicine" bubble because he knew there would be a small window of time that I may be able to hear him, open my eyes, or respond to him before the nurses would administer more diprivan.  I do remember the words he would say to me, but I was confused and didn't understand what was happening around me, and before I was able to put it all together, I would be completely sedated once again.  Thank God for sedation, when tubes are going up and down, in and out, sedation is the greatest thing ever!!

During one of these moments of Dewey talking to me, my attention peaked when I heard the words "Michell is on her way back to see you again Julie!"  I wanted to open my eyes and jump up and down in excitement.  I love my family, and we are too far apart, and just knowing she would be back meant so much to me.  Then Dewey went on to tell me, "Julie...Michell and Amy are organizing a benefit for you so that the stresses of our bills can be eased since you won't be able to work for a while".  I heard those words so well.  That was the first I heard of what was to turn out to be an event of love that is far to great for words.

Each memory of Dewey talking to me from that point on was him expressing the out pour of love and support that the community, family, friends, customers and even complete strangers had been snowballing.  He wasn't aware that I could understand his conversations with him, but during those moments of the medication finishing, and a new dose beginning, I was able to understand him perfectly.  Confusion was still in the picture, because I'm not sure at that point if I knew where I was, and why.  But I did know that Dewey was there for me and that he assured me that everything was going to be okay and that life as we had known it would be less stressful.  He let me know that I wouldn't have to stress from work anymore and that we would be sure to take care of me before worrying about bills and our financial burdens that various life and health situations had landed us in.  I wanted to open my eyes, smile, squeeze his hand, just anything to let him know I understood and heard him.  As weird as this may sound, hearing those words from him took a burden off my back right then at that very moment.  I'm sure if I could go back and see my vitals shortly after him letting me know this, I would find that all of my vitals improved.  Just knowing the stress would be lifted gave me great comfort and a new hope to continue fighting for. 

There is so much to add to this particular topic, that I will have to add on to it.  What I have written here has taken me two days to write.  Please be patient and know that I want you to hear all of it.  I'm still very weak and sitting at the computer typing is a difficult task still, but I'm excited to share my story, and it is good for me to blog both mentally and physically.  My fine motor skills are improving, but my attention span is that of a 2 year old.  Please continue to follow and share with your fb friends.  My testimonies are incredible and you will see Gods heart and hands at work.  He is amazing.

Before I close for the night.  I can not possibly find the words to express my gratitude to all of you for the love you have shared with me.  I have heard wonderful stories of the dinner, auction and entertainment.  I'm in a state of pure euphoria.  I've  been to funerals where everyone would say, "Wow!,  he/she  would be so happy to see how many people loved them and are here for them!"  Even though my body isn't healed enough to have been at the event, I 've been gifted with the knowledge of love and support that has come my way.  What a gift.  A perfect gift knowing that love is all around me.  I thank you for all the acts of kindness, love and compassion that you have shown me and my family throughout these difficult times.  I am so prould to be part of a community that pulls together to work towards a common goal that is focused on love and support.  Life IS good!!!  Even when there are no words!  Love comforts!  Even when I can't find the way to respond when under so much sedation, and tubes down the throat, just knowing and feeling the love....It comforts all.

Until Next Time.
God Bless!!


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